It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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