What did we do last night that was yellow?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
