what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
