Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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