apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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