If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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