Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
