Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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