DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Jerry, you need to find god
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
