James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
