On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
