I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
