the condom got lost in my hair
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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