I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
