I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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