Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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