I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
