I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
