wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
