she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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