We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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