I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
