I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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