So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
