Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
