Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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