Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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