he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
