thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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