ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize