There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
