Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
