Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
