I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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