I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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