just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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