Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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