My nipple is on Facebook.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
