i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Four minutes until I can fart!
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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