just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
