there's paper in my vomit.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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