dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
