Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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