Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hello my rib-scented angel!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
