I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
