I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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