Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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