you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
