Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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