You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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