got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
