Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
