i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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