I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize