i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
