I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
