apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
